Danita has done a great job with this description. I’m not sure which assignment she wrote it for, but I remember her reading it in class, and I remember thinking how awesome it was then as well. I love all the descriptions she’s used. She uses interesting language throughout the passage. I especially liked the first line, “Pulling into the supermarket parking lot, the smell of tar combined with midsummer heat smelt like the mood I was already in.” It is a great use of language and I think she’s off to a great start but I’d like to see this sentence re-arranged so it does not end in a preposition. I think that would make the sentence stronger. Similarly, I think she needs to pay a bit more attention to the structure of her sentences, but I understand this is a very random write. She’s definitely got something that can be used in a short story, I’d love to see how she expands this description.
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